But Who's Going to Refill the Paper in the Fax Machine if You're Not Here?

The benefit of not taking a single day off all year is that I've accumulated enough vacation days to basically not have to work the entire month of December(TTFC). Sure, it's weird not blogging on the clock*, but I think I'll manage.

*Only joking, potential future employer. As I'm a model employee, all my blogging, personal phone calls, doctor's appointments, and restroom visits take place only during designated break periods.

Scavenging, However, Is To Be Applauded

Behold, Classics, one of my favorite records to have on in the office. It also makes a good Primping to Go Out soundtrack and a killer addition to your Saturday Afternoon Housecleaning Spree playlist. But I would not, say, do a puzzle or read Charles Blackstone with this playing.

[Note: I did not upload this file; I merely found it. This isn't stealing. Stealing is wrong.]

I'm the Same Way at Chipotlé

I'm shopping for a new suit this weekend and I just know how it's going to go down: nope nope looks dated nope maybe skinny euro too scratchy nope wide shoulders long hands yeah long hands iddly iddly nope eggplant? nope too short iddly frustrated nope tired hungry seriously? seriously no torso nope possibly more william burroughs nope nope simple clean nope that guy's not getting my commission nope yes but nope hopeless mopey nope over it fuck this nope nope shutting down jeans are fine whatever don't care too bad nope nope nope nope nopenopenope nope done done stew talk stew talk gentle okay fine beer cheeseburger beer recharged maybe that first one yeah felt like paul newman okay fine sure yes watch the inseam no cuffs three days fine credit card home floppy breathe beer beer beer madden beer bed.

A super huge thanks in advance to this forch little lamb for the Sisyphean task of de-iddlying she just found out she’s in for and from whom I stole this bit.

Freelancers Who Bill Hourly Can Ignore This One

If low-res jpg logos sent by clients make you so iddly that you'll spend an afternoon recreating them in Illustrator even though they'll only be half an inch wide amongst a logo ghetto at the bottom of an ad, you should bookmark Vector Magic. It's quick, easy, and usually more accurate than Live Trace. Text sometimes comes out a little wonky, but you know your fonts so typesetting that tiny bit ain't no thang, right?

Vector Magic

If It's So Gross, Why Do You Keep Drinking It, Dumbass?

If you were me six years ago and it was summertime in Omaha, you probably spent a few afternoons draining pitchers of Coors Light that turned into evenings of countless Wild Turkeys and even more beer. Eventually you'd find yourself at one of those sprawling apartment complexes on Blondo, scavenging the fridge of a friend of a friend of some girl your buddy kinda knows for a nightcap and something to eat. Tammy or Libby or Holly or whoever has only a Totino's party pizza — which, right then, sounded like the grandest meal anyone could ever imagine — and three and a half bottles of Smirnoff Ice, all of which you finish in minutes.

So, you're standing in a surgical-grade white kitchen with the florescent lights pulsing down on you, adding to a mixture of swill beer and whiskey you should really know better than to tempt in the first place this pale, sugary, cold-but-not-cold-tasting wine cooler junior and you start to feel it: that punchy, sunstroke feeling where you're equal parts tired, nauseous, and irritated. Or as I know it now, the taste of Glaceau's VitaminEnergy.

Have you seen this stuff? It's water... poorly flavored... and served in a can. A can! Glacéau makes three varieties of this bile and, thanks to the stash of party leftovers in the conference room, I've tried them all: tropical citrus (lemony-ish), fruit punch (grape Kool-Aid warmed in the sun), and dragonfruit (one part week-old Sprite, one part Robitussin). Oh, kids, it's bad. So bad. Stick to tapwater in an old Dasani bottle, mkay?